The Reboot: What happens when it fails?

As I have mentioned in my previous post, I did take a few days off from work and effectively utilized that time to search for myself and to care for my well-being. Now, I don’t do this often, but I have in the past utilized vacation time just to be at home and to care for myself. I call this process “the reboot.” There might be other people out there that may have already developed this concept but as I have no knowledge of it outside of my own head, I shall assume that I just made this up. Please don’t sue me.

The Reboot: Taking the time and having it all to yourself, allowing your mind and body to do whatever it needs, whenever it needs.

I tend to do this when I feel I’ve reached my emotional capacity either at work or outside of work. Usually this process only takes two to three days, and I return feeling brand new and ready to tackle the world again. However, that wasn’t the case this time. I’ve had about five days off total, including my regular two days off and felt that I was ready to return to work and continue to do what I do best. I failed, hard.

It began when I started stressing out on my way to work in the morning, I was still trying to decide if I was ready to go back to work or if I still needed additional time off but before I knew it, I was already at the door. I go into my office and found it in the worst condition possible (a complete nightmare for a person with OCD – I’ll explain later), that was not what I wanted to face first thing in the morning, so I opted to help out on the sales floor as there was already a line of customers before we even opened the doors. Huge mistake. All was well until about the third or fourth person walked in and bombarded me with questions – now, this is something I’ve become completely accustomed to and even numb at this point as I used to be at our flagship location with triple the amount of traffic – the speed that the conversation was going in had caused me to begin to hyperventilate, that’s okay, I had explained that there was a bit of a queue and a consultant should be with them shortly, moving on. And then it got busy. People constantly walking in and out of the store and trying to catch my attention eventually caused me to start having a anxiety panic attack. This is the first time that this had ever happened to me while being on the sales floor, I had to get away before it got completely unprofessional.

I managed to hold it together until the closing crew came out to cover and the minute I entered the restroom, all hell broke loose. I had texted the Mr. ahead of time as he was checking in on me, acknowledging my discomfort from the morning in the car. As soon as I heard his voice on the phone, I completely broke down and bawled my eyes out. Never in history have I had a anxiety panic attack that resulted in tears. I’m used to getting flustered, I’m used to cracking my knuckles, I’m used to shifting my stance and stomping my feet, I’m used to hyperventilating, but I’ve never cried because of it. This is how I knew I finally broke. I needed help and immediately notified my supervisor. She gave me the time and space to search for the information I need to either take leave or to just get temporary assistance. I opted for the latter and found a doctor in a matter of thirty minutes or so.

During my visit at the physician’s, he did a general mental assessment on me and found the following:

-Panic attacks
-Insomnia due to stress
-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (disease, not just habitual)
-Signs of depression

So, what I thought to have been anxiety this whole time turns out to be just panic attacks and signs of depression, not saying that’s any better, though I haven’t done any research so I don’t know. As he was not a psychiatrist he was not able to properly diagnose me so he recommended that I called for therapy or counseling. By the time I reached the proper department at my health insurance’s hotline, it was already 4:30pm and the on-duty therapy personnel was unable to actually reach a psychiatrist and I’m not expecting a call back until tomorrow.

The Mr. had taken a couple of hours off from work to come check on me and to just be there for me, and I am forever grateful for that. He came home and made me something to eat, took me out to get ice cream, and just simply sat here and kept me company in my room. Had he not come home to talk to me and soothe me, I’d probably still be hiding in bed right now, and not sitting at my desk typing my heart away. I’m not a weak person, I’m really not. To some, this may appear to be just a bad day but there’s more to that. This has been an issue that I myself had failed to address and refused any type of help for the longest time. But today is one of those rare moments where I allowed myself to be a girl, and allowed the Mr. to protect and care for me.

The purpose of this post is not to seek sympathy or any type of attention to myself at all.

I wanted to bring to light the positivity that an individual can bring into another’s life just by simply being there.

In the case that this is of any concern to any of you, I will address the following as I have with my on-duty therapy personnel and my physician:

I am not suicidal.
I have no desire to harm others.
I do not abuse or use any substances.
I have a relatively healthy life at home.
I am not in an abusive relationship.

I just needed space and time and someone to tell me exactly what’s wrong with me rather than me assuming this and that. Apparently my self-therapy stopped working long ago, which is why I broke down today. So now I wait.

Find out more in Part II

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