(F)unemployment and Exhaustion

Amidst the excitement and gratitude for my long-awaited freedom, the funemployment experience has been everything that I’ve wanted – and everything that I’ve not. It started with the crazy idea that I would enjoy an abundance of free time to do whatever I wished but the truth is, there wasn’t a whole lot that I actually wanted to do. Granted, pumping my blog and getting back into shape were at the top of my priorities, it is so much easier said than done.

So far, I have flown over to New York, NY and have recently booked a flight to Portland, OR, traveling again in a couple of weeks. I’ve posted my 48 Hours in NYC blog, started my Facebook Page, reviewed a couple of restaurants on Yelp, and… that’s about it. From a packed schedule with little time to sit down and take a breath, to all the time in the world to do absolutely nothing – this controlled chaos has been my new reality.

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You would think that being unemployed by choice and having so much free time, one would be quite happy and energetic, right? WRONG. The truth is, I feel far from energetic and not quite near as happy as I perceived myself to be. I am always tired and have been even less motivated to get out of bed than I ever was. I get asked by the Mr., family, and a select few friends on the daily, “Why are you tired? How are you tired? You haven’t done anything all day.” It’s true, I physically have not done anything all day other than play numerous rounds of solitaire on my phone, read a couple of news articles, and scrolled through Instagram. When you’re coping with anxiety, stress, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, or even just one out of the bunch – the smallest notion of thinking about what you’re gonna do when you get out of bed this morning will take the biggest toll on you. I absolutely do not expect anyone who can’t relate to understand my level and definition of “exhaustion,” but nobody has the right to feel entitled to claim that they’re tired just because they’ve been running around all day and I’m not, just because I’ve been sitting around all day. That is bullshit.

“Why are you tired? How are you tired? You haven’t done anything all day.”

I constantly have a hundred things going through my mind because of all my free time. Recurring thoughts consists of “I should go take a walk today, oh, but it’s freezing in the middle of May in San Francisco,” or “I can get creative in the kitchen for lunch, oh, but I’m also craving the salad bar over at Whole Foods,” or even “it’s time to go through my wardrobe and bag up anything that’s worth donating, oh, but I also need to clean around the house because I see one speck of dust next to the mouse pad.” They’re all excuses but it’s a constant internal battle that I deal with every. single. day. People suggest that I can use my free time to work out, find a hobby, or just be “productive” – do you all seriously think that I don’t try? “Trying” is truly an understatement right now being that I had literally just rolled out my yoga mat and then got distracted with my frustration that I opted to sit down and vent on here instead. It has been an archaic couple of weeks.

I don’t even want to begin to start explaining to those who can’t grasp the idea of mental exhaustion, it really is like talking to a wall. Those who care will do their research and try to comprehend. Those who don’t believe in such a thing will literally throw me their best “motivational” speech to “help” me. Saying things like “stop making excuses and just get out of the house for a bit” does not motivate me at all and not only that, it also painstakingly make me want to reach through the phone to slap you. Trust me, it doesn’t work. I appreciate your positive energy and good for you! But don’t try to force your beliefs on me, because I don’t shove my problems down your throat either. Let’s have mutual respect, shall we? The true frustration of it all is that while I am quite aware that I really am constantly making excuses, I still have zero motivation to do anything about it. That’s the part that the vast majority simply just doesn’t get.

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This whole post in its entirety has realistically just been another excuse to not start my workout session, yet. Writing has been my only outlet as of late, this is the only way I know how to organize everything in my head.

I actually did end up clearing out everything that can be donated and even picked up a few old – but good – habits recently and hopefully they will stick. I’ve been cooking brunch in the kitchen every morning and even began to do stretches yesterday, though only five minutes of it. Baby steps matter too, yeah? Oh, and I finally made that dreaded call to Comcast that I’ve been putting off for a whole year now to change my package and lower my bill without bursting a blood vessel – that’s productive.

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