(Maybe) I’m The Problem

Organizing my thoughts is probably the last thing I want to do at 3:30 in the morning but I am doing exactly just that! Who am I kidding? There’s probably a thousand other things I’d rather not do at this hour so writing down my train of thought before I lose it really isn’t all that bad.

As I’m laying in bed waiting to fall asleep, my mind stumbled upon 90’s make-up at around 12:00am for reasons unknown so I thought I’d look up some hash tags on Instagram to see what all these “Instagram Girls” are doing with my childhood – boy, have they gotten it all wrong. While I’m mentally gathering all the make-up products I used when young, my mind began to wander off to a time in middle school, when I used to show up with heavy eyeliner and sometimes, dark lips. I clearly remember a specific individual with extremely chapped lips who’ve pointed out on separate occasions that my eyeliner was “hecka smudged” and I “looked like a panda” and that my dark lipstick “looked black and like a vampire.” Joke’s on you, girl, that’s the grunge look that nobody today can get correct anymore, so fuck you.

What follows is a train of memories that I’d rather not have, of the endless bullying that I lived through during my childhood. As I’ve mentioned before in multiple posts, it was a very difficult time for me. Throughout the years, I know I’ve always felt and said that everyone hated me but tonight, when I finally took the time to run through all the names of these “haters,” there really weren’t as many as I thought. More or less, it was really just a handful of bullies and the rest were really just bystanders that didn’t know what to do, so they just stood there and did and said nothing. I mean, I totally understand that now, but it was a nightmare when I was going through it all. I’ve had my hair snipped while walking through a crowded hallway, gum stuck in my hair (done by the twin of the girl who did the snipping), snail put in my backpack (same twins still), backpack always getting unzipped when I’m walking (probably the cause of my developing OCD), the best one was people speculating that I stuffed my bra – I’m sorry I developed early and you didn’t (still haven’t) okay? – the list goes on. I’ve made some debatable choices surrounding myself with a few natural bullies as well, who were actually my so-called “friends” but they tend to cross the line with jokes sometimes – but as “friends,” of course, all the nonsense were just shits and giggles, right? Not really. Thinking back on it, these were just miserable beings that needed someone on their level to kick around because they weren’t tough enough to be a “real” bully, but in reality, those are actually the worse kind – they sneak into your personal life and spend a lot of time with you, but subconsciously oppresses you and you don’t even know it til you’re so angry at their behavior that you stop being friends, period. To this day, I still don’t know what I’ve ever done to have that kind of bullshit in my life and I don’t think I will ever find out.

Ironically, a few of these said people have also popped up on my friend request list on Facebook in the past decade and I’m not sure why. As I see the names, I have to think carefully whether or not I actually want to “connect” and have my now-better life exposed to these individuals who’ve once made it a living hell. I have accepted a few, seeing that they’ve never actually done anything to me but I can’t help but wonder what their train of thought was when they decided to send me that friend request. Was it something along the lines of “oh I remember her, let’s see if she’s still the dork I remember her to be” or maybe they’ve literally forgotten what horrible human beings they used to be and thought “oh look! I went to school with her, I wonder how she’s been!”

I try my best to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and for the most part, that’s worked out pretty well for the past 15 years. I don’t feel like I have problems getting along with others since I’m pretty well-rounded and have many friends from all walks of life. I try not to judge or use others’ lifestyles and choices against them so long as they don’t try to push their lifestyle on me. I don’t think my personality has changed much but when I run through the list of people I’d rather not see frequently today, I can’t help but think, “maybe the problem is me.” You see, while I tend to get along with everyone for the most part, there are still a few that I’d rather spend less time with, purely for their benefit and mine. I typically don’t have problems with people I meet but if it’s one thing I can’t stand, it is when certain individuals get really obnoxious or just unreasonably chatty (of useless topics that are irrelevant). I have a low tolerance for ignorance, stupidity, and pointless chatter to begin with, but that dial hits zero when I’m tired or just simply not in the mood to socialize. Off the top of my head, I can name a few extremely close friends and one or two not-so-close friends who tend to violate my peace from time to time.

Imagine having to answer questions like “Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with?” before the other end finally gets to the point as to why they’re even calling you in the first place – FUN FACT: it has nothing to do with all of the questions you’ve just wasted your breath and patience answering. Honey, I’m not your boyfriend but I for damn sure feel sorry for him if he has to put up with this sequence every time he answers the phone. Why is it so difficult for some people to just cut to the chase from the beginning? Why is it necessary for you to waste my time? Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and I love chatting with them and catching up but sometimes I’m just really busy or exhausted, so if all you really wanted to know was when I’m free to have dinner, then just fuckin ask that question when I answer your call. Others, bless their hearts, they’re just trying to be helpful when they occasionally send me links to things that I’ve expressed interest in once and while I genuinely appreciate them keeping me in their thoughts, it does get overwhelming and at times, extremely annoying. I’m not sure what gave them the idea that I’d have time to read through 20 articles and lists about the same thing, and at the most inconvenient times for that matter (the dead of night or the butt crack of dawn), and sometimes things that I literally give zero fucks about, which is even more annoying. I get that I throw it out there that my insomnia is pretty bad, though I may or may not be awake, I’d still rather not hear my phone go off pass a certain time at night – the Mr. knocks out in a matter of seconds but I always feel bad when one of my texts wakes him up. And if you’re wondering why I don’t utilize the “do not disturb” function or even just setting my phone on vibrate, it’s because I want to be accessible to my parents or even certain friends who have a history of getting into jams at 4 in the morning (I’m pretty amazing, right?). So honestly, if you must contact me between the hours of 11:00pm – 11:00am, it better be a life or death situation and not a clip of a cat knocking shit over. Not that I sleep through all those hours but more or less, those are my “zero tolerance for nonsense” hours.

Okay, seriously the more I type, the more awake I am and we’re closing in on 5:00am at the moment. One last note before I fine-tune and proofread: one of my dear friends’ girlfriend. Sweet as hell but obnoxiously annoying as fuck. There’s a time and place for her but about 90% of the time, I want nothing to do with her. Our first time meeting I already knew she was gonna bug the crap out of me because she talks so damn much, but again, she’s a very nice person. Our second time seeing each other, she was super friendly and sweet still but somehow found it appropriate to address my new do and just-cleaned eyebrows, while the comments were positive, for me it was just too soon for her to talk to me on that level. I have to be clear, I have absolutely no issues with her, I just simply don’t have the energy for her. Again, the problem must be me. I’m just an irritable person in general but is it really too much to ask of people to just stop wasting my time and energy? On that note, good night and good morning to you all!

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