Words cannot even begin to describe how annoyed I am at myself right now. Just when I thought I was on a roll with four consecutive nights of good sleep, insomnia decided to make an appearance tonight so here I am. I wanted to fall asleep, I really did, but the alarms in my head kept going off to alert me that it is overflowing with thoughts and since it had already began to mentally write this post, I decided to just get out of bed and put it in black and white.
Where do I start? The thoughts that danced around my brain this evening are ones that I’ve mentioned on the blog before and most of it may be old news to those of you who’ve been reading for a significant amount of time, however, my mind did dive deeper tonight and things began to spiral in all different directions. Let’s just say that for a good while, I’ve entertained the idea of being alone and it honestly doesn’t seem all that bad. I always say that I don’t believe in “forever” and that “divorce” exists for a reason. Never had I ever thought that I would actually picture myself divorced and content. I’m not too sure how some couples manage to stay “happily” married their whole life and more importantly, keep that “flame” alive. If I’m honest, that flame’s been long gone for me and if anything, there may be a spark or two here and there but that is far and few in between. More or less, sometimes when I look at the Mr., I feel more guilt than I do affection – guilt for all the times I wished I was elsewhere, guilt for all the times I pushed for reciprocation, guilt for all the times I tried to guilt him, and so much more. I want someone to tell me that this is normal, but I don’t think that I’d believe it even if someone had.
Have you ever been in a relationship that makes you feel like your partner is just there? I’ve witnessed some crazy shit, some firsthand experiences, some shared feelings from friends, and just stories from around the web in general. I’ve had an early ex that would literally just open up a camera chat (pre FaceTime days) with me, say “hi,” leave it on for me to watch him play Counter-Strike all evening, and then comes back live to say “goodnight.” I have a friend that practically “pens in” her boyfriend into her schedule so that she can “make time” to connect. I’ve also witnessed someone else’s relationship where they eventually became more like roommates but didn’t bother to break up until a year after the fact. These relationships are very much real and they very much contradict society’s idea of a “perfect relationship.” For me, a realistic relationship consists of a couple either both working or one working, one house making. They would get out of bed at different times, go on about their day separately, regroup in the evening, relax and connect for a little bit before bed, and go to sleep hopefully together if one’s not catching up on work or Netflix. That’s pretty much my current life, I see you when I see you. What I haven’t factored in is that sometimes connecting doesn’t always happen, and for us, it hasn’t happened in quite a while. It’s not that I don’t try, but every time I want to talk (yes, I am a creature of sentiment, after all), the Mr’s either busy, lazy, or passed the fuck out. I never get to voice my concerns properly and the frustration’s definitely built up over time.
This feeling has been longstanding and I can’t understand why. It’s not that I don’t love him, because I do, and I mean it when I tell him that too. But why is it that more often than not, I feel like we’re just here together, working together, watching TV together, sleeping together, but not, together? Am I the only one that feels this way? It’s definitely not to the point where I want to leave, but I’m for sure treading somewhere along the lines of “I wouldn’t be sad if I left.” I’m not sure at what point had I begun to feel this way but I’ve definitely came to realization a few days ago when I ran into an old fling and I felt my heart beat in a way that I haven’t felt in so, so many years. It was like adrenaline and I’d be damned if I publicly posted what I’d like to do with him right there and then. Why doesn’t the Mr. give me this feeling anymore? Where have the “sparks” gone? I try to blame PCOS – my excessive levels of androgen have definitely gotten the best of me in the past but should that not be something that I can subdue for the sake of my marriage?
All of this is beginning to make me think that all “happy marriages” are nothing but a facade. Of course, I do believe in couples being able to make it through the best and the worst, and we’ve definitely done our share, but do people really still feel the same that they did once upon a time? I mean, like I said, the feeling’s still there, but it’s a lot less apparent than what it used to be. While I’m happy to know that I’m independent enough to make do without him, I also know that that’s the Mr.’s worst nightmare when it comes to my independence. For a while, I have felt neglected and the Mr. was well aware of it, he even makes an effort to try to spend time with me to go wherever I want but I’ve already settled for the fact that he’s overworked, burnt out, and should probably stay on the couch on his day off rather than roam around the city with me. I’ve told him that I’m completely okay with and am used to being alone or with friends and not having him around, and he’s voiced that that’s what he’s “afraid of.” For someone who can’t afford a lot of time to spend with me, he sure is insecure about how content I am without him. You’d think any guy would die for that kind of freedom but I get the one that wants to keep me close even when he’s not physically around.
Due to work, the Mr.’s mind is always everywhere and anywhere but here. I always feel like the last priority. I know he’s working this hard for “us” but how many times can I give him this excuse? How many times can he use this excuse? Having someone physically around but not all there can be very tiring. It’s definitely emotionally draining and it’s always the mental fight that nobody wins in a relationship. It’s not that I’m not happy, I’m just not not happy.